I went to our funeral last month. I couldn’t cry anymore – the tears had already been spent on my broken heart. It’s the new year now and I don’t wear black the way I used to.
Without the pain, we cannot learn.
Without the hardships, we cannot enjoy simple times.
Without the loss, we cannot gain.
Without the heartache, we cannot yearn for Him.
Without the sadness, we cannot understand joy.
Without the bad, we cannot appreciate the good He gives us.
I Wrote This For You
But that doesn’t mean that they are good for me. The things that I miss and the people that I miss are not necessarily good for my life, even though I try to convince myself that it would be easier to go back to how my life used to be. But is easier better? I’ve learned that that isn’t always the case. The past four months have been really really tough and I never thought I would have to go through this kind of heartache. In the course of all these changes and healing and creating a new life for myself, I’ve realized that this was the best thing to have happened to me. I was so utterly forced to leave people behind, leave memories behind, leave a love I once knew behind, all out of the decision of one person whom I loved. I never ever wanted this. I never ever wanted to be this heartbroken and deserted. All along, though, I have reminded myself that everything happens for a reason and that he left for a very good reason—- for God to come in, remove the pain this relationship caused me throughout, take my heart and renew it, and to show me the love that I have missing all this time. And must I say—- wow. God is so so good! After much heartache and adjusting to forced changes, I have come to a place in my life where I am fully satisfied with where He is leading me. How wonderful is that? Pretty amazingly wonderful, actually. I have been brought into a community of the most wonderful people I have met in my life who seek Him with such earnestness that helps me draw near to Christ more and more. What’s even better is that they have helped me, with the love of Christ that is in their hearts, heal my heart. Their help and love is continual, too. It doesn’t stop when I don’t talk to them and close off. It doesn’t stop when I get moody or act unlike myself. They are ALWAYS there for me. They have also shown me that if I thought this past relationship was something wonderful, imagine what God has in store next! I believe God brought me here to fully heal my heart from the pain this past life has caused me, in order to draw myself closer to Him and to teach me to stop seeking love in places that it is only false and conditional. What comes next in my life with be filled with a true love, a love that will love me no matter what, a love that does not stop when I am “moody” or act in a way someone thinks I shouldn’t act. This love will cover me, fill me, and marry my soul to another one day. Until then, I will not seek for another man to fill my mind or heart with their “love.” Until I am brought to the person I was truly meant to marry, I will only seek Him, with every ounce of this broken heart that heals bit by bit, day by day by the love of Christ that has been revealed to me. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah!
My happiness is returning.
I mean real, genuine, concrete happiness.
What could be better than to feel my heart being mended?
What could be better than spending time with the most wonderful
(and I really do mean the most wonderful)
friends that I have ever met?
Granted, they are new and fresh friends,
but I can feel our heartstrings being stiched together with
every day that I spend with them, every laugh that is made,
and every hand that is being held.
My happiness is returning and my art is expanding.
I feel so creative right now and it’s so exhilerating.
I have wanted to feel this way for a long time
and I couldn’t be more thankful for the very simple act
of the passing of time.
I have found God again and He has healed me, and is continuing
to do so.
I feel so joyful :)
from my walls. Each pillow
is thick with your reasons. Omens
fill the sidewalk below my window: a woman
in a party hat, clinging
to a tin-foil balloon. Shadows
creep slowly across the tar, someone yells, ‘Stop!’
and I close my eyes. I can’t watch
as this town slowly empties, leaving me
strung between bon-voyages, like so many clothes
on a line, the white handkerchief
stuck in my throat. You know the way Jesus
rips open his shirt
to show us his heart, all flaming and thorny,
the way he points to it. I’m afraid
the way I’ll miss you will be this obvious.
I have a friend who everyone warns me
is dangerous, he hides
bloody images of Jesus
around my house, for me to find
when I come home; Jesus
behind the cupboard door, Jesus tucked
into the mirror. He wants to save me
but we disagree from what. My version of hell
is someone ripping open his shirt
and saying, Look what I did for you…
Nick Flynn, “Emptying Town” (via proustitute)