And you taught me what this feels like.

And then how it feels to lose it.

And you showed me who I wanted.

And then who I wasn’t. 

And you ticked every box.

And then drew a line.

And you weren’t mine to begin with.

And then not to end with.

And you looked like everything I wanted.

And then became something I hated.

And you get every thought of every day.

And then not in a good way.

And you let me leave.

And then wished I’d stayed.

And you almost killed me.

But I didn’t die.

— I Wrote This For You

If you had told me seven months ago that I would be alone for Christmas and that I would be healing from a heart break through the new year, I wouldn’t believe you.
If you had told me six months ago that I would be okay with being alone, I probably wouldn’t believe you.
If you had told me five months ago that I would not talk to someone I held dear to my heart, I would not believe you.
If you had told me four months ago that by the end of the year, my heart would be moving on to a much better place, I would really want to believe you, but probably wouldn’t.
If you had told me three months ago that I would be happy for the new year, I would probably believe you.
If you had told two months ago that I would be going to Rome next summer, I would hope to God that you were telling me the truth and would really really really want to believe you.
If you had told me yesterday that I wouldn’t be wanting my past back anymore, I would definitely believe you.

Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan for everything—- for every breath you take as you’re walking down the street, passing every stranger whom you probably won’t see again; for every day you wish you had something better, something greater; for every person you meet and grow accustomed to being in your life, inviting them into the depths of your heart strings; for every love you encounter, and especially every heart break you have to go through. Although there is a lot of pain in this world, there is also a lot of healing….all because of Him. I am grateful for my broken heart and the people who broke it. Because after all, if it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t know my Savior so well.

But that doesn’t mean that they are good for me. The things that I miss and the people that I miss are not necessarily good for my life, even though I try to convince myself that it would be easier to go back to how my life used to be. But is easier better? I’ve learned that that isn’t always the case. The past four months have been really really tough and I never thought I would have to go through this kind of heartache. In the course of all these changes and healing and creating a new life for myself, I’ve realized that this was the best thing to have happened to me. I was so utterly forced to leave people behind, leave memories behind, leave a love I once knew behind, all out of the decision of one person whom I loved. I never ever wanted this. I never ever wanted to be this heartbroken and deserted. All along, though, I have reminded myself that everything happens for a reason and that he left for a very good reason—- for God to come in, remove the pain this relationship caused me throughout, take my heart and renew it, and to show me the love that I have missing all this time. And must I say—- wow. God is so so good! After much heartache and adjusting to forced changes, I have come to a place in my life where I am fully satisfied with where He is leading me. How wonderful is that? Pretty amazingly wonderful, actually. I have been brought into a community of the most wonderful people I have met in my life who seek Him with such earnestness that helps me draw near to Christ more and more. What’s even better is that they have helped me, with the love of Christ that is in their hearts, heal my heart. Their help and love is continual, too. It doesn’t stop when I don’t talk to them and close off. It doesn’t stop when I get moody or act unlike myself. They are ALWAYS there for me. They have also shown me that if I thought this past relationship was something wonderful, imagine what God has in store next! I believe God brought me here to fully heal my heart from the pain this past life has caused me, in order to draw myself closer to Him and to teach me to stop seeking love in places that it is only false and conditional. What comes next in my life with be filled with a true love, a love that will love me no matter what, a love that does not stop when I am “moody” or act in a way someone thinks I shouldn’t act. This love will cover me, fill me, and marry my soul to another one day. Until then, I will not seek for another man to fill my mind or heart with their “love.” Until I am brought to the person I was truly meant to marry, I will only seek Him, with every ounce of this broken heart that heals bit by bit, day by day by the love of Christ that has been revealed to me. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah!

I like the way the ink flows through my pen tip, bleeding onto this lined paper. I used to like the way your voice would bleed into my heart strings as you said “I’ve missed you.”

-Coldplay, The Scientist

Today, it just hurts.

Sorrow knocked on my door not four months before.

I was left alone with no place to go home and I was stripped of the love I once called my own.

I was lost and afraid with too many crying days.

Soon a messenger came and knocked on my door, told me I need not cry anymore.

He held my hand through my darkest days and helped me once again to find the right way.

He held me so tight and told me that everything would be alright.

Nights and days have passed me by and the hurt hardly keeps me asking why

Because these days are good, far better than before and He has shown me the love that I no longer have to search for anymore.

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You’re a silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it’s just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part
Yeah that’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part

—Coldplay

I hope we meet again at a time when our hearts are calm, when our words do not boil and spill off our tired tongues, burning each other in ways we regret. I hope we meet again when the skies are clear and blue, revealing the openness and freedom our hearts have needed. I hope we meet again when our words will ring true of the feelings, the emotions, the gut-wrenching heartbeats that kept us alive while everything around us flipped upside down, exposing a kind of heartache we never wanted to experience. I hope we meet again when I can be brave and say the honest truths I’ve been too afraid to utter. I hope we meet again at a time when forgiveness will reign over both our hearts and release the strong hold that has kept us from moving on. I hope we meet again when we will still be able to express some form of love to one another. I hope we meet again when our friendship doesn’t hang on by bad memories and the tiny shards of our broken hearts, but when it can be remembered by the good fight we fought so as to not lose a good friend. I hope we meet again when your mind is clear and open as the space in the galaxy so that your heart’s confusion doesn’t cloud you anymore. I hope we meet again when we can both smile at each other with joy like we used to…a small sliver of our past that I desire to attain once more. I hope we meet again when our hands are no longer strangers, even for a short moment in time. I hope we will meet again…I hope we will meet again.

Some days I’m very afraid to fall again.
…and others I can’t wait until that day comes.