And you taught me what this feels like.
And then how it feels to lose it.
And you showed me who I wanted.
And then who I wasn’t.
And you ticked every box.
And then drew a line.
And you weren’t mine to begin with.
And then not to end with.
And you looked like everything I wanted.
And then became something I hated.
And you get every thought of every day.
And then not in a good way.
And you let me leave.
And then wished I’d stayed.
And you almost killed me.
But I didn’t die.
— I Wrote This For You
If you had told me seven months ago that I would be alone for Christmas and that I would be healing from a heart break through the new year, I wouldn’t believe you.
If you had told me six months ago that I would be okay with being alone, I probably wouldn’t believe you.
If you had told me five months ago that I would not talk to someone I held dear to my heart, I would not believe you.
If you had told me four months ago that by the end of the year, my heart would be moving on to a much better place, I would really want to believe you, but probably wouldn’t.
If you had told me three months ago that I would be happy for the new year, I would probably believe you.
If you had told two months ago that I would be going to Rome next summer, I would hope to God that you were telling me the truth and would really really really want to believe you.
If you had told me yesterday that I wouldn’t be wanting my past back anymore, I would definitely believe you.
Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan for everything—- for every breath you take as you’re walking down the street, passing every stranger whom you probably won’t see again; for every day you wish you had something better, something greater; for every person you meet and grow accustomed to being in your life, inviting them into the depths of your heart strings; for every love you encounter, and especially every heart break you have to go through. Although there is a lot of pain in this world, there is also a lot of healing….all because of Him. I am grateful for my broken heart and the people who broke it. Because after all, if it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t know my Savior so well.
…and I still can’t help but ask “you told me you loved me, so why did you go?”
But that doesn’t mean that they are good for me. The things that I miss and the people that I miss are not necessarily good for my life, even though I try to convince myself that it would be easier to go back to how my life used to be. But is easier better? I’ve learned that that isn’t always the case. The past four months have been really really tough and I never thought I would have to go through this kind of heartache. In the course of all these changes and healing and creating a new life for myself, I’ve realized that this was the best thing to have happened to me. I was so utterly forced to leave people behind, leave memories behind, leave a love I once knew behind, all out of the decision of one person whom I loved. I never ever wanted this. I never ever wanted to be this heartbroken and deserted. All along, though, I have reminded myself that everything happens for a reason and that he left for a very good reason—- for God to come in, remove the pain this relationship caused me throughout, take my heart and renew it, and to show me the love that I have missing all this time. And must I say—- wow. God is so so good! After much heartache and adjusting to forced changes, I have come to a place in my life where I am fully satisfied with where He is leading me. How wonderful is that? Pretty amazingly wonderful, actually. I have been brought into a community of the most wonderful people I have met in my life who seek Him with such earnestness that helps me draw near to Christ more and more. What’s even better is that they have helped me, with the love of Christ that is in their hearts, heal my heart. Their help and love is continual, too. It doesn’t stop when I don’t talk to them and close off. It doesn’t stop when I get moody or act unlike myself. They are ALWAYS there for me. They have also shown me that if I thought this past relationship was something wonderful, imagine what God has in store next! I believe God brought me here to fully heal my heart from the pain this past life has caused me, in order to draw myself closer to Him and to teach me to stop seeking love in places that it is only false and conditional. What comes next in my life with be filled with a true love, a love that will love me no matter what, a love that does not stop when I am “moody” or act in a way someone thinks I shouldn’t act. This love will cover me, fill me, and marry my soul to another one day. Until then, I will not seek for another man to fill my mind or heart with their “love.” Until I am brought to the person I was truly meant to marry, I will only seek Him, with every ounce of this broken heart that heals bit by bit, day by day by the love of Christ that has been revealed to me. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah!