Hi there. You would like to hear my testimony?
In a nut shell, I have been healed from a broken and shattered heart by the grace of our Father. It has taken about seven months to finally see some real joy in my life again, joy that I could only find in God alone and the blessings that He continues to shower me with. This is my story:
In November of 2010 during my second year of college, I got engaged to my best friend. He was a guy who was always kind to me and others, he was always willing to give a helping hand, he could make anyone smile at an instant, and he was the best guy, at the time, that I could imagine being with. He was also the guy who brought me closer to Christ, and showed me that I didn’t have to be afraid to speak His name to others. My relationship with him was a great one – he would understand where I was coming from and knew exactly how to help me through my trials. He never yelled at me or got really upset with me…he was the most patient and caring guy I had ever known. He was a true best friend at the time, and was the exact person I could see myself being married to for the rest of my life and we seemed to have it all. But sometimes, things aren’t always as they seem…
In January of last year, things started to change — he started to drift away and I began to act in ways I had never before (and only in retrospect have I discovered that it was our own declining relationship and the stress it put on my heart that made me that way). Even though I had already bought my wedding dress, we had picked a venue, and had an engagement party, it didn’t seem to make things any better. Although I tried to convince myself that it was just the stress of wedding planning that made things harder, deep down I knew something was really wrong. Last summer, we had hit rock bottom and I knew it without uttering a word to him. In June I went to a camp for my job and when I returned, he told me that he wanted a break and that he might not be ready to get married. I was heartbroken at once but was willing to fight for what we still had, even if that meant we would wait to get married. After speaking to him a few times after the “break,” we agreed to be just friends. Over time throughout the rest of the summer, though, certain actions by him, his family and friends, and someone I once considered a friend continued to put enormous amounts of salt into the wound that my ex-fiancé created and caused me to block them completely from my life, in order to let my heart heal without knowing the harsh words they had for me and my shriveled heart.
I moved out on my own soon after that and it was very, very difficult. I don’t think anyone can understand the pain I felt while living alone with a broken heart, after believing that certain people could help me when I fell, could love me like they promised, could be there for me like I had hoped. While living alone, I got involved with all the wrong people – pot smokers, partiers, people who didn’t care about doing the wrong things & their consequences. I was in the worst situation I had ever been in… with a broken heart and no strength to pick myself enough to realize that I needed to be with better people, that I needed to get out of that place, that I needed salvation. One Thursday night in August I had a feeling that I needed to return to the college-age bible study that my ex and I used to go to. During this time, I had not been to church for a couple months, even though I knew deep down that I needed God more than anything, even though I cried out to Him, time and time again. For some reason, something pulled me to go back to this bible study, alone for the first time. I went that night and cried my eyes out in between strangers as we stood with our arms held high, I cried my eyes out singing God’s praise, I cried until I could feel God taking my broken heart and putting it safely in His hands. It was one of the hardest but best nights of my summer. A week later, I got a message from a friend who used to lead the worship at the bible study, inviting me to his concert that was going to be the following week when he came back into town. When I told him about the heartbreaking news, he wanted to talk to me about it after his show. When he arrived, I returned to the bible study and my eyes were once again filled to the brim with salty tears. The next night when I talked to him, he gave me hope again — the kind of hope that I had been desperately desiring all summer, the hope that I knew was somewhere in my heart. He encouraged me that although this incident was heartbreaking and hard to deal with, good things from God were on their way and that my real future husband was going to blow me away because of his love for Christ and for me. He told me that I needed to surround myself with people who truly followed Christ, people who would be able to share my burden and help me with the love of Christ to get through the storm I was going through. That night, he invited me to spend time with his group of friends who lead their lives by the direction of God. It was a very fun night spending time with strangers and dancing to Wii dance. Little did I know, though, that these people would be angels in disguise, ready to lead me to the magnificent love of God and the healing that was waiting for me.
That night in August changed my life. From that night onward, I searched for God in every crevice of the moments I spent breathing, working, walking, crying. I had been saved for about five years until I hit rock bottom last summer but it was only when my heart was completely crushed that I began to follow God entirely. During the nights and days that my eyes were filled with tears and the only strength I could find was washing them away in the shower, I cried out to Him. I cried out to Him night after night because I knew that His grace and love alone could save me and heal me from the brokenness of my heart. It took me being so utterly broken and one guy to lead me back to God for me to understand that all of these heartbreaking events happened for a reason – that my heart was to belong to God. I had a wonderful relationship with my ex (or so I thought at the time) but I have learned that God uses these experiences to teach His children that we are not supposed to rely on each other, but that we are to rely on Him and Him alone. Throughout the last several months, I have learned to forgive and continue to love, even if it is at a distance. Through his teaching and constant pushing on my heart as I read His word, I have begun to understand that He is with us, no matter how far we may feel from Him. My Lord has taught me that this situation, although I have never cried as much or have felt so absolutely empty as I have this past summer and fall, was one of the best things to have happened to me. My wonderful friends & followers of Christ have lifted me up, time and time again, and have counseled me through my distress, leading me ever closer to God.
Although my heart has been crushed and stomped on, Christ has lead me to salvation, has given me strength, and has filled my heart with a hope that I know could never die. My life would not be filled with the joy of Christ that it is now, here in January 2012, if it had not been for my broken heart and His loving grace that He has given me.
I hope that whoever reads this may understand that no matter what you’re going through, you are being watched over by a God who loves you, who already died for you, and who wants the best for you, even if it means breaking your heart until it is a shriveled mess. Our God saves. Our God loves. Our God heals ALL wounds. Our God is an awesome God!